In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
