Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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