I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
