Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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