3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
