I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
