If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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