Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
