There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
