haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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