What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
