i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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