I met the friendliest cop last night
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think I just shit out all my problems.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
