every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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