I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
