allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
