I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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