I can text with my tongue
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
