Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
