Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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