The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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