Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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