I want to make a zoo with you.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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