Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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