I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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