I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
