I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
