Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
