I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
