How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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