I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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