I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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