she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
