in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
