This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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