he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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