I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
