I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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