You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
