You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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