The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
