How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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