he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Are we still banned from the library?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
