God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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