why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
