Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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