i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
