i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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