Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
