every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
