I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
