so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
