I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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