Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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