OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.