I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?