We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
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There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."