Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
