Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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