I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
