she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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