I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
