just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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